hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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