Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
