You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
