Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
