Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
