OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
