I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
