I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
