Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
