I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I forget how to act sober
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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