woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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