Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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