And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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