My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
