My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
