Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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