He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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