I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
