Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
