i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
