He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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