I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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