I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
