Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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