i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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