It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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