i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
