Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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