Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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