My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
