Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
