i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
