Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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