i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
