today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
