The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
