M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
