remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
