You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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