Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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