I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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