He asked to "fluff my boner.."
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Houston, we have a blender
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
