Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
