i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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