my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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