I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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