I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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