PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
