Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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