..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
