no, he came in my armpit
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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