I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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