Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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