People in love make me want to vomit
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
