god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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