Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
