you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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